


Jester

by Nirmalneaners



Series: unofficially official [11]
Category: DCU, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Alfred is a savage, Alfred is so done, Books, Bruce Has Issues, Bruce Is a Good Bro, Bruce Wayne is Batman, Bruce is Bruce, Childish, Developing Relationship, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Feelings Realization, Funny, Idiots in Love, M/M, Poor Clark, Realization, Unsure, mentions of clark - Freeform, what is he getting himself into
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-18
Updated: 2018-10-18
Packaged: 2019-08-04 00:28:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16336274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nirmalneaners/pseuds/Nirmalneaners
Summary: "So the young man has feelings, Master Bruce," he closed the book harsher than intended. "It's not a huge revelation, despite what you think they are a common occurrence in healthy adult males.""It's not feelings in general Alfred, its romantic feelings. Feeling Feelings." the slit eyes as he spoke were humorous enough without him recoiling back in his chair as if the idea itself curled his stomach.





	Jester

The cave was a dreary place. Even with the soft glow and overhanging spotlights nothing could quite rid the sculpted out ridges of its grave atmosphere that still clung to the air like a foul odor. He had grown accustomed to it, but grave is the only word that rightfully described the hole Master Bruce preferred to spend most of his time. It was a place old relics came to rest, be they giant robotic dinosaurs or carefully preserved costumes in glass cases, and Master Bruce had both metaphorically and physically carved out his own resting place. He didn't like the implications of that, but maybe that's why every time he came down here he always left with a bitter taste in his mouth, because it was wholeheartedly the cold truth that it wasn't the atmosphere that was grave, the cave _itself_ was one.  
  
He swallowed the thought down as he stepped up onto the platform, multiple monitors casting a silhouette of the man himself as he sat in front of them. He came to a stop beside him, quite mutterings filling his ears as he looked across the expanse of the desk to find books piled high and thrown atop each other messily with bits of paper scribbled over. He scrunched his nose at the mess, gripping the plate a little tighter in his hand as it became apparent there was no room to place it down.  
  
"Master Bruce, while I applaud that the books are finally being put to use in this house I wish you would consider tidiness as a skill."  
  
There was an absent hum in response, then the flicking of a page and only after he cleared his throat did it seem that something registered.  
  
"Oh, Alfred." he sat back, blinking as he turned his head to look up at him. He looked at the plate and then the desk, and maybe it was his displeased look that got him jostling the books around to make space, bits of paper fluttering around as he did. "Time for dinner already?"  
  
"Indeed, although if we are going by _normal_ household standards this is an early morning snack. Acceptable dinner times do not usually range past midnight," he remarked sarcastically, placing the plate down with a _chink_. "Of course, that is a rule followed for those who prefer to sleep adequate hours at an acceptable time." He wasn't sure if it was the brightly colored pictures, or maybe the large titles that caught his attention to the books but his hand strayed from the plate across the visible covers, taking them in with a raised eyebrow. "I see you have been shopping, I'm quite sure we do not have _Men are from Mars Women are from Venus_ in our library, sir."  
  
It was always something to see the great batman stutter or his near equivalent. But as he gaped for a moment, looking for all intent and purposes like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar, Alfred really had to fight to keep his smile at bay as he waited for an answer.  
  
_"Clark."_ was finally pushed out, and it seemed that name alone rebooted him back into the moment. "I presume you have seen the latest news?"  
  
He couldn't help but twitch his lip, after all, he had made sure to glue _that_ particular news article in his collection.  "Indeed sir, but I fail to see how that incident correlates with a book on attraction."  
  
"It's connected."  
  
" _Oh?_ And I suppose the psychology books are also?"  
  
Bruce let out a loud sigh, his face visibly strained as his words, "Clark has- _stirrings._ "  
  
"Stirrings?"  
  
He looked physically pained as he forced out, _"Feelings."_  
  
"I see," he replied seriously, flipping open one of the books to a marked page. _How to tell they like you_ highlighted yellow. "Be careful Master Bruce, I hear they are quite catching."  
  
Another sigh. _"Alfred."_  
  
He skimmed the page, pursing his lips at the bland and cheesy writing style. It was truly terrible, a painful read that held no real value other than supplying very vague and obvious points that even young children would supply if questioned. It was a money grabbing exploit that left the reader in no better position than before they wasted two hours reading this monstrosity. Why on Earth Bruce would even bother highlighting anything was beyond him, but then he realized _who_ he was talking about. Of course, _Bruce_ of all people would turn to this for help if feelings were involved. Well, these are not having a place in the manor if he has anything to say about it.  
  
"So the young man has feelings, Master Bruce," he closed the book harsher than intended. "It's not a huge revelation, despite what you think they are a common occurrence in _healthy_ adult males."  
  
"It's not feelings in general Alfred, its _romantic feelings_. _Feeling_ Feelings." the slit eyes as he spoke were humorous enough without him recoiling back in his chair as if the idea itself curled his stomach. "I've known for more than a long while, I've just been building evidence."  
  
That surprised him more than he would admit, and he tried not to show it too much.  
  
"Playing the fool were we?"  
  
"Of sorts."  
  
"You had me fooled."  
  
"Don't play coy, you knew from the start." Bruce smiled slightly up at him, a humorous twinkle in his eyes. "You didn't find it odd that Clark just popped up out of the blue one day with the idea of a fake relationship?"  
  
"Far be it for me to ruin the thrill of the deduction for you." he mused, "Although I must admit I was starting to think the great detective had finally faced a puzzle even he could not overcome." He turned curious eyes on Bruce as the man seemed to lose himself in deep thought. "What are the books for if you already know the answer?"  
  
"I need-" he paused, his eyebrows pinched down as he seemed to pick his next words carefully. "Just because something seems a certain way, doesn't necessarily mean it is so. I needed to confirm it, not just rely on assumptions. I needed evidence, patterns, correlations to explain certain behaviors-"  
  
"And you think you will find this in love advice books?"  
  
"No." he muttered, and at Alfred's pointed look his eyes flicked to the monitor and back again before he admitted quietly, " _Maybe_. All source material is relevant."  
  
Alfred sighed this time for the both of them. _Lord help this man._ "Master Bruce," he said, catching his eyes. "You are the pinnacle of human perfection, you are and rightfully so a genius. But by god you are oblivious to your own feelings and others on a level that is so _astonishing_ psychologists would be able to write multiple volumes on you alone that you could refer to for _source material._ "  
  
He looked like he wanted to protest, but Alfred cut in before he could utter a word. "What is it you are really trying to achieve with this?"  
  
"It doesn't make sense." he admitted, "I suspected he was under some sort of mind control for the longest while, or perhaps someone had swapped minds with him. I even went as far as wondering if he had been exposed to some variant of new kryptonite that was causing this, but I scanned him at the last meeting and nothing out of the ordinary showed up. Every time I've had an encounter with him I was left with more questions than answers, and fewer theories other than it is simply _him,_ and it is simply how he _truly feels_. But he hasn't approached me about it. That's not his usual pattern, Alfred."  
  
Ah, so that was the reason. Sometimes, in moments like this, he was reminded that even Bruce could be doubtful as the rest of us _mere mortals_. He couldn't pretend to understand how his mind worked, the complexity and contradicting ways he had made it impossible, and the fact he went as far as to scan a man he thought of a friend was something Alfred would have to have a word with him about later. But for now, the only thing he could do was introduce reason.  
  
"Have you ever considered the young man has not approached you because he is scared?"  
  
He looked surprised by that, "Scared, Alfred?"  
  
"You are not exactly a person one would consider a shoulder to cry on, so to speak, Master Bruce. He has probably not approached you because it is a delicate matter and he is scared of the outcome."  
  
"Why would he be scared by the outcome?"  
  
"He has a lot to lose, probably too much if he has weighed it out and has decided it is best to keep a friend than potentially lose one altogether."  
  
"I see," he said quietly, face pinched. "How do I approach this then? I can't leave it, it's starting to affect his performance."  
  
Alfred had a vivid flashback of a younger, more unsure Bruce on his prom night. He stood in the mirror brushing down his suit, turning so Alfred could redo the monstrosity that was his tie. All the barely masked worried questions, the unsure tone as he whispered out _How do I play this Alfred?_ Seemed some things never changed, and a small selfish part of him hoped it never would. He resisted the urge to pat Bruce's cheek affectionately.  
  
"What is one of the base techniques used to get answers?" he asked instead.  
  
"Talking to a subject."  
  
"And what have you not done?"  
  
Alfred saw the same little boy pouting as he left to greet his date all those years ago. " _...Talked to the subject_." was finally bit out.  
  
"Hm. You should consider analyzing your own behavior before someone else is a suggestion."  
  
"I already know my own behavior. I think it's an absurd idea, dating in the workplace is sure to bring friction. This could end in disaster." he spun off, shutting his jaw lightly. His voice came back a little softer. "But I can't help but see the benefits. Clark deserves happiness, and now I have had time to process it and rule out mind control or any other cause, I find myself supporting the idea- and even in a way, _welcome it_."  
  
He didn't stop the smile this time. "I thought there was no dating for the Batman."  
  
"This may have to be the exception, Alfred."  
  
He gripped Bruce's shoulder, squeezing it affectionately. "Call him, Master Bruce. This much personal growth needs to be acted on right away."  
  
And it was true, it was almost too much for Alfred to bear in one night. But as Bruce's face turned down into a stubborn looking frown, he felt his eyes itch with the need to roll as he shot back defiantly-  
  
" _No._ He can call _me_."  
  
He released his shoulder with another, tighter squeeze. Maturity was in halves, he supposed. Of course, Master Bruce would grow in accepting his feelings, yet not to face them. How very _him_.  
  
"I didn't realize we were back in school," he muttered, stepping down from the platform. He continued walking away, turning his head to the side as a thought hit him. "But I'm warning you if I find those books have made their way into any of our Libraries I will be forced to send a note to Mister Kent. And there _will_ be hearts littered across it."  
  
_"Alfred."_  
  
" _Test me,_ Master Bruce."

**Author's Note:**

> Thought I'd treat you guys to two stories this week!


End file.
